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I’ve always been kind of promiscuous, a trait exacerbated by a string of awful boyfriends that routinely cheated on me in my early years. At this particular junction in my life, I was in an especially slutty phase. I was single for the first time in awhile (I think) and the chains of relationships past which had once weighed heavy on my spirit had been lifted. So, as any rational female would: I basically went on a six month sexual rampage.

At some point during this rampage, I found myself at some bullshit party doing what I do best: drinking to excess. On this particular night, I was drinking Svedka out of the liter bottle with a straw – so I was loving life. A fucking meteor could have crashed into the backyard and I would have found that entertaining and tried to convince people we were being filmed in some sort of secret action packed movie that would probably come out next Memorial Day Weekend. That drunk.

Quite honestly, I don’t recall all the various details of the happenings of this specific night. I assume I was hilarious as always, and that everyone had a good time. I do know that at some point, a fight erupted which effectively ended the party, and we all found somewhere to pass out.

Fast forward to approximately three a.m., I come to in my friends’ bed alone, and naturally, have a surge of energy – you know that surge: enough to keep you awake but not enough to actually get up and do anything. So, obviously, I put the television on. Well, the volume must have been louder than I thought because not thirty seconds later Sunshine appeared in the doorway.

Sunshine and I had always enjoyed a flirtatious relationship – but had never hooked up. In fact, I had banged someone else’s brains out about five hours earlier in the backseat of my car – but that’s another story for another time. Just keep in mind: midnight had occurred so technically, everything that happened next was happening on a different day than the car hookup.

So Sunshine, in his drunken stupor crawled in bed with me to snuggle and watch tv. Obviously, we were hooking up within a couple of seconds. This was before I had learned that girls are allowed to ask for what they want in bed - in fact, it usually makes the sex better when we do, so things were moving kind of slow. Sunshine was also a lot older than me, so I just assumed he knew what he was doing. We were gently making out with a little gratuitous boob action, and just as things had begun to make their way further south, another person appeared in the doorway: it was my friend’s brother, Motorcycle wearing no shirt and a shit eating grin. I don’t recall him ever even being at the party – so I assume he was just coming home from a night out somewhere.

Motorcycle stood in the doorway for approximately thirty seconds observing Sunshine and I fumbling around on each other.

“Are you guys going to invite me over or just let me stand here like a fucking idiot.” Motorcycle bellowed.

“I mean, I guess you can join us.” I said, catching Sunshine’s eye mischeviously. Quite frankly I was a little bored with Sunshine and his slow moves. I like a man who knows how to pull the fucking trigger. 

So Motorcycle saunters over, grabs my ankles and pulls them toward the edge of the bed, which was a combination of awkward and sexy. I was on my stomach, so he instructed me to flip over. Then he knelt down and started going down on me as though he hadn’t eaten a meal in fucking three weeks. It was pretty aggressive, but I appreciated the aggression and got pretty turned on, honestly speaking. So I tried not to think about how fucking slutty I was being and just attempted to live in the moment.

Meanwhile, Sunshine decides that it’d be a great idea to make out with me upside down, which happens to be one of my least favorite things to do, ever. It’s conducive to drool, it’s an ugly angle, and it’s fucking difficult – especially while someone else is trying to go down on you.

So, obviously the upside down make out wasn’t going to work. I decided to try and pull Sunshine around so that his penis was at least within reach of my hand and I could give him a half hearted hand job. (I didn't want these guys to think I was lazy or something!) Didn’t work either.

Frustrated, I sat up.

“This isn’t working.” I said, flipping over so that now I was face to penis with Sunshine.

I commenced fellatio on Sunshine, as Motorcycle threw on a condom and began to gently make love to me – just kidding – began to pound me from behind. We got a nice rhythm going for a little while – probably like a full three minutes, until Motorcycle let out an “ARGHHHHHHH” of frustration – which stopped all activity in it’s tracks.

“What’s wrong, buddy” Sunshine asked, the combination of blow job and his friend's audible frustration confusing him.

“Fucking whiskey dick man, I did too much coke.” Motorcycle said, audibly frustrated.

“Well, whatever, do you have any left?” I asked. Ain’t nobody got time for whiskey dick, so I was quickly losing interest in this whole charade.

“Yeah I have half an eight ball left.”

“Well get that shit out homie.” I demanded.

The three of us proceeded to blow through the rest of the bag, and chit chat about life until the sun came up.

And that, ladies and gentlemen is the story of my first threesome. Riveting, I know. 

Occurred: sometime between 2007-2011.


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