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Somewhere toward the end of our relationship (and I use that term in the loosest way possible), Tractor got himself arrested and I bailed him out. I don’t want to get into all of the details, but obviously it wasn’t my finest moment. At any rate, in the weeks following we just were kind of annoyed with each other, so I stopped answering his phone calls for awhile.

After about three days, I shot him a text inquiring as to his plans for the evening. I did this for two reasons: one being that I wanted to go out and my friends were busy with some sorority bullshit that night and the second being that I was pretty fucking horny.

About an hour later, I was at Tractor’s apartment taking shots with him and his roommates. It was probably only about seven o’clock at this point – so we had another couple hours of pre-gaming before we were actually leaving, which naturally I forgot to account for. By ten o’clock I was well on my way to a total blackout.

At some point during the pre-gaming, other people had arrived at Tractor’s apartment. All of them were girls I had never seen before, and after a quick, but painful glance, had no interest in ever seeing again. There was a lot of self-tanner in the room, as well as a lot of bad roots and caked makeup. These girls were not it. Not it at all.

Worse than their appearance was their attitude. At one point, during a game of ruit one of them came up to my partner Papi and I and just started talking to him while totally ignoring me, which I didn’t even mind so much. That was until she took MY bottle of 151 out of Papi’s hands without fucking asking and poured it down her gullet. (This was college remember so 151 was a luxury item at the time.)

At one point during Papi and my 10-0 run, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I had to tinkle and also bump a couple rails, or what I like to refer to it as: “intermission”. I thought I had locked the door behind me, but apparently I had not because liquor thief skank waltzed in mid-tinkle.

“Um. What’s up.” I asked, audibly fucking pissed to any human with to ability to detect tonal notes.

“What? Oh, ha. Nothing. Just need to refresh my makeup. You know how it is.” She glanced down at me as if she hadn’t even seen me there. If she had felt the irritation, she wasn’t showing it.

“Okay, well can you get the fuck out of the bathroom while I’m trying to use it please.” Like, honestly. Was this girl for fucking real.

“Do you have any tampons?” She asked.

I gave up – this girl was obviously Lenny to my George.

“No, sorry.” I was lying. I kept a box in Tractor’s room.

“Ugh. Do you know if Tractor’s single?” she asked.

“No idea. “ I didn’t want to crush the girl’s hopes and dreams. Plus, Tractor was acting kind of like a dick that night and I was kind of over it.

“We have every shift at the restaurant together – he’s so fucking sexy. He’s been buying me drinks after work, but hasn’t made any moves except taking my number. Until tonight, obviously, he invited me here. So, how do you know these guys?”

As she was saying all of this I fought to hold back laughter, I mean: please. Tractor was fucking disgusting for hitting on this girl, but whatever, that’s his prerogative.  The whole thing just struck me as hilarious as I realized what a fucking loser Tractor was.

“Oh, I just know them from school and stuff. Good luck with Tractor!” As I exited the bathroom choking back laughter I paused for a moment to collect my thoughts and feelings.

I popped into an empty room to take a couple of bumps – I needed to refocus myself.

As Papi and I began our eleventh game of ruit, Skanky returned from the bathroom looking as fresh as a baked potato. She made a beeline for Tractor who was in the corner playing quarters with his other roommate, Herpes. As she plopped herself down next to him, he didn’t even glance at her, which made the whole thing even funnier.

“Can you play some FUCKING defense for once. FUCKING PLEASE.” Papi’s voice snapped me back to attention.

Shit, I had let a bounce get in. I needed to focus. Enough with the Tractor seduces Skanky show.

About a half hour later, I noticed Tractor and Skanky were gone from the room. I didn’t linger on the realization because I was in double overtime, so I really didn’t give a fuck what they were doing.

Fifteen minutes later, they were still missing.

“Where did Tractor go?” I asked Papi.

“Everyone else is still here – it’s not like they left to go to the bar yet. Where could they be?” Papi said, taking the room in.

“Maybe they’re just doing lines in his room – I’ll go check.” I said.

I went down the hall and checked everyone’s bedroom – they weren’t anywhere. I checked the bathroom – not there either. I went back to the living room.

“Can’t find them.” I said to Papi.

“I found them, but I don’t want you to be upset.” His tone was ominous. Or I was just really fucked up. “They’re out back.”

“Fucking?” I exclaimed, loud enough for the room to turn and stare at me.

“Yeah, but just chill. He’s an idiot.” Papi was trying to reason with me because he didn’t want to lose his precious game of ruit and he knew if I got pissed, we would.

Luckily for Papi, I didn’t want to lose the game either, so I kept my composure. 

I wasn’t even really sure how to act at this point. Tractor and I definitely weren’t officially together, so he could do whatever he wanted. But I mean, don’t invite me over then dickhead. What was I going to do, scream like a lunatic and embarrass myself? That was not an option. So, like any rational woman I suppressed the urge to go bust them in the act with alcohol and carried on with my night.

Eventually, Tractor and Skanky returned from their sleazy escapade. She was giggling uncontrollably and he looked pretty pleased with himself. He came over to Papi and I, who were still dominating the ruit table.

“Are you guys ready to head out – I need to get away from these girls.” Tractor was saying these words out loud to me.

“I mean, you invited them. What are you gonna do, just leave them in your house and go out? What if they never leave?” I asked.

“Dude. What.” Papi chimed in, aghast.

“I don’t fucking care what they do, all I know is that if that girl doesn’t stop giggling I’m gonna lose it.” He was being serious.

At this point, I couldn’t even fathom what was happening. Tractor, who had just fucked some whore in the backyard while I was in his apartment was now complaining to me about said whore and then also asking me to help him escape. I had no choice but to play along.

“Well won’t it be easier to just go out all together and then ditch them as soon as possible. That way you don’t have to risk them staying around all night and being here when we get back.” I love cocaine. How I said that seriously is beyond me.

“Fine. Good idea. EVERYBODY GET YOUR SHIT WE’RE GOING OUT.” Tractor bellowed, halfway out the door.

As everyone gathered up their shit, I grabbed Papi.

“Let’s finish our drinks and catch up with them.” I said, giving him the look.

Papi and I had always been flirtatious, and he was way hotter than Tractor. I knew for a fact - because he showed me once - that he had a much bigger, tanner, thicker dick. And, like I said earlier: I was fucking horny.

There were several occasions during which Papi and I had gotten extremely fucked up together and he’d send me covert texts about how badly he wanted to fuck me. I never replied, but he knew I read them and enjoyed them.

I barely had to bat my eyelashes and Papi knew exactly that the look had meant.

“Good idea.” He was grinning from ear to ear.

Tractor and Herpes we halfway down the block, the skank pack not far behind them.  No one had noticed that Papi and I weren’t with them. This was going exactly as planned.

Papi picked me up and shoved his tongue down my throat so quickly I almost choked. I was topless on top of him on his bed within thirty seconds.

“I can’t believe this is happening. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do this.” Papi whispered as he made his way down my neck.

“It’s just once. Don’t get too excited.” I said playfully.

“Just once, well I better get it right then.” He replied.

“Yeah, you better. But I don’t want you to fuck me here.” I said. “Do you know where I want you to fuck me?”

“I think so.” He stood up, my legs wrapped around him. Tongues down each other’s throat.

He carried me down the hall and into Tractor’s bedroom.

“Is this where you want it?” Papi asked.

“You know it is.” I said.

To his credit, Papi got it right. Twice.

After we were done, we cleaned up and headed out to the bars to try and find Tractor and Herpes. We found them easily at our usual place; they had ditched the skanks.

“Where were you guys – we turned around and you were gone.” Tractor said gazing at me.

“We had to check on something out back.” I grinned.

“Oh, well. I ordered you a shot. Here.” He slid the glass in front of me.

We kept drinking and having a good time for the rest of the night. Somewhere around closing time, Tractor pulled me in close to him and whispered to me, “I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” I asked, giving him my best Bambi eyes.

“You know what for. I’m sorry. Are you still coming home with me?” even through my drunken stupor I remember asking myself: is he fucking kidding me.

“Not tonight. But if you close your eyes and imagine, I bet you can smell my perfume in your sheets.”

And that was the last time Tractor and I ever saw each other.   

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