After one particularly bad breakup, I was officially in a rut and desperately needed to find someone to distract me, sexually. Luckily, our friend White Lightening didn’t have any plans for that afternoon, so he agreed to come on over to get high and fuck at Normal’s house. We had never hooked up before, so I’m not sure where I got off inviting him in the first place, or why he agreed, but whatever, I needed someone to bang and he was it.

As we waited for his arrival, Normal, Disaster and I were getting fully baked. Like, full on immobilization high. (Note: in no way did this make it less awkward during our little encounter later.) By the time White Lightning arrived, the simple fact that I had texted him to come sex me and that he had shown up so quickly was driving us into fits of laughter.  

Normal and Disaster found an errand to run and left us alone, in Normal’s room. She had assured me that it was okay to use her bed to do this in because of my emotional crisis. So, we start fooling around. Just typical, awkward, fumbling around for about five minutes until I got bored and finally asked “Don’t you want to fuck?”

“Oh, uh, um, YEAH sure.” He clumsily replied.

I reached into the nightstand to grab a condom – which Normal had assured me there were plenty of – and she was right, there were plenty of condoms. At the time (as with most times), Normal was dating some black guy that had no discernable personality or intellect, but was endowed with an inexplicably huge dick. This would remain a constant trend in her life until this day. At any rate, all of the condoms were Magnums. Naturally.

This was earlier in my sexual career – so I didn’t really even think twice about the Magnums – I just grabbed one and handed it to White Lightening. He didn’t flinch either, but I think that was because he didn’t want to pre-emptively admit defeat.

At any rate, as he was slipping the condom on, I took a little glance at what I was working with. Not bad – definitely did not necessitate a Magnum, but would still definitely get the job done. As my eyes wandered from tip to shaft, and then to pelvis, something caught my attention: etched into his pubic hair was the unmistakable shape of a lightening bolt, à la Harry Potter.

Now, I’ve relived this moment several times over the course of my life. There are many things I’ve wished I said to him at that moment, but the visual of that lightening bolt against his translucently white skin in conjunction with getting dumped for some fucking whore named Delby, rendered me speechless, so, I said nothing and fucked him anyways.

After the three-to-five minutes of bliss was over, I rolled off of him, and told him to just toss the condom in the trash.

“Okay, but where is it?” he asked.

“The last time I checked, it was on your penis.” I replied tersely, not amused.

“Well it’s not.” He said flatly.

This was getting irritating. Wanting to end this conversation, I went into the bathroom to check myself out. Nothing. My vagina was just how I like it: barren.

We spent the next half hour ransacking the room, trying to find the thing. I knew that Normal would not be amused if she had been nice enough to let me borrow her bed to fornicate, and then lost a used condom somewhere in it – so I was growing increasingly stressed as the search continued. Eventually, Normal and Disaster returned from their errand to find a full-blown search party happening. I had to fill them in, and, both aghast, they joined the search.

After another hour of looking, they began to question whether we had even used a condom or if we had just imagined it. I was so discombobulated; I began to believe that maybe we had hallucinated even putting the condom on in the first place. It could be possible; I had smoked a lot that day. So, defeated, we gave up the search and tried to forget about the whole incident.

About three hours later, I went to pee – but my usual straight stream was more like a sprinkler for some reason, which was weird. Then I felt it.

Mystery solved: white lightening, in my vagina with a magnum.

Occurred: sometime between 2004-2008

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